TW: Suicide
Jerson was just staring at the canopy. It’s been hours since Vishnu and Derrick left but the image of them holding hands keeps bugging his mind. Every time he would close his eyes, the way Vishnu passionately kissed Derrick’s neck tended to replay. His body was aching but his heart hurt more.
Jerson curled up while lying on the cold floor. He felt dirty. Vishnu said that he was disgusting. Yet after hearing those painful words, he still wished for Vishnu’s happiness. He just couldn’t hurt the man he loves.
Everything was breaking him apart.
Noah’s betrayal. His parents were dead. His grandmother abducted Alec’s sister. Van never treats him as a friend. His family should be the ones to aid him but were the ones who kept him in the dark. And Vishnu found him as nothing more than a disgusting slut.
None of those people who he would risk his own life called. None of them asked if he was okay as if they didn’t know him.
Just like before, no one comforted him. And yet, as if the past repeated itself, in his time of crisis, no one was there for him. He was alone.
Jerson hit his head as the memory of Vishnu with him started replaying. His mind would replay their happy time together and he would remember how Vishnu told him he was disgusting consequently.
The happy memories felt like a nightmare. He was living in his nightmare.
Jerson typed Noah’s number and called it. After only a few rings, Noah answered.
“N-Noah,” he whispered.
“At first, I thought I was just seeing things. After hearing your voice, I bet this is you, Jerson. You’re spoiling my mood,” Noah stated.
Jerson could hear Van and Alec arguing like usual. He could also hear Derrick trying to stop them while Vishnu was laughing. They were having a great time. They were having fun.
Maybe if they knew he was suffering, they would come to him.
“Just hear what I have to say,” Noah said. “I let you borrow Derrick’s life. Now, be a good pup and stay away from us. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you deserve it,” Noah added before ending the call.
Indeed, he was just Derrick’s substitute. Now that Derrick came back, the life he borrowed triumphed in its original owner.
Jerson threw his phone and groaned loudly.
He really was Derrick’s substitute and everything he did with them was lies. He was just an option and Derrick was the priority.
For a few days, Jerson was continuously suffering. There were groceries stocked so every time he felt like it, he would cook food and ended up throwing it because he didn't feel like eating. He managed to clean himself but his arms were still bleeding because of the wound. His arms were swollen. There was also cloudy fluid draining from the wound. He was suffering from a high fever and every time he tried to move his hand, an electrifying pain would make him suffer. Still, he chose to leave it that way.
A few more days with his constant battle with his mind.
Because he was strong mentally, Jerson managed to stay alive with constant breakdowns. He will just find himself curled up in the bathroom. He would tend to cover his whole body with clothes as he felt he was extremely exposed and they would find his body disgusting.
A constant fear that someone would knock at the door and would say heartless words to him aroused every night. He’ll cover himself with his blanket and hit his head against the wall. He would tend to grasp his infected wounds with force and compare the pain to what he was feeling inside.
Sometimes, he would laugh at himself and then will hit his head after a few moments.
His mental health was getting worse.
Jerson woke up one day that his hand was extremely painful. It was swelling so bad. Feeling a tremendous pain, Jerson finally decided to go to the hospital for a check-up. He covered his body with a jacket and pants. He also covered his face with a mask and a cap.
Finally feeling that he was safe, Jerson walked out of the apartment and called for a taxi.
The taxi driver finds Jerson suspicious.
“To the nearest hospital please,” Jerson said with his hoarse voice.
The driver immediately drove his way there.
It only takes a few moments for them to arrive at the hospital as it was only a few blocks away from Jerson’s building.
After paying for the fare, Jerson hastily got out of the car and immediately tended to find a nurse that would assist him.

Just as though destiny was playing with him, he saw Vishnu was hugging Derrick while tapping Derrick’s back.
Seeing Vishnu after days, only Jerson had realized how much he wanted to beg just so Vishnu would stay beside him.
He was Derrick’s substitute but he never had someone, even Vishnu, comfort him like that. He was always alone.
Jerson shook his head aggressively.
A nurse sees him and immediately approaches Jerson. “Sir, what’s wrong? May I help you?” she asked.
Jerson looked at the nurse. As soon as he saw her, Jerson heard laughter inside his head again. He stepped backward and shook his head.
“No, thank you. I have to go back.”
That’s right! The safest place for him was his apartment. No one could ever hurt him there. No one would laugh at him. He would be alone.
Jerson hastily gets out of the hospital as if there was someone who was after him. He was panicking and his weak knees would make him sometimes stumble.
It was raining cats and dogs.
Jerson didn’t know how he ended up in front of the building. He shortly headed back to his apartment and locked the door.
His legs gave up as soon as he entered his apartment.
He didn't know how he managed not to cry after a long battle with everyone and himself. He didn’t know why he was still alive and what his intentions were and why he kept on breathing.
There’s no reason for him to stay alive. To end his suffering, he needs to end his life.
Jerson was quivering from cold and from the pain emotionally and physically. He was spiritually drained.

What would happen if he pulled the trigger and hit his head? He's sure that he would be free from all this pain. He would be free without a doubt, leaving all the pain behind.
Jerson gets the gun under the sofa. He pointed the muzzle on his head.
The laughter stopped. His chaotic mind meets the serenity he never had these past few days. He finally had some peace.
Jerson smiled genuinely while he was pointing the gun at his head. If he knew this would tame the turmoil in his head, he would have done it earlier.