He gives me headaches. Not all the time but still I still get headaches because of him. He was always trying to make jokes that are not even funny. It did not bring me amusement. But to be fair, the jokes are not mostly addressed for me. Those were for his gals, his best friends.His quirks.That punchlines that does not make any sense. I heard them all. I was annoyed but I choose to listen. Those jokes were not laughable but his friends laughed at it.
Constantly talking a lot of nonsense that are giving me a major anger issue. That nonsense blabbers. He wasn’t talking to me but still, I don’t think it is quite entertaining. I do not even understand Jordan. He always looked so totally engrossed about it. If I will assess their relationship-I might conclude those two are dating. Very close pals. Inseparable.
Wearing clothing apparels and shoes that resembled my sense of fashion. And it did get into my nerves. It created an ebullition within me, pent up anger gradually builds inside that is been wanting to come out full force and throw it in front of his face. My 8th year old self is always been wanting to carry a spray that contains a pesticide to school, for some bad intrusive thoughts that she kept on entertaining inside her cute little brain.Because my younger self thinks he is such a pest (a destructive mite) in maintaining peace within my mental state.
He crosses my mind a lot. Maybe it was for the urge I had to do something with what I felt for him. I was extremely mad at him. For unknown reasons. I just felt mad because he constantly bothers my mind. That I want him out of my sight but I cannot do much about it. Because I will get to see his face everyday.
I cannot avoid him. I kept seeing him-because we’re classmates.
Sylvester Van Croix, the first on the list. Because he was the first ever human being that I developed a crush on. I was young. And I did not even recognize that I was crushing on him. I realized it late. Too late. Like a few years already had passed-before I accepted that I liked him.The entire experience is not that great. Not so exciting for me-for the present Shinai. It was not totally exciting for my recent self.
But for her, for the younger Shinai she liked it. She liked him. She was just too young to realize that she had feelings for what she thought was one of her enemies.
The rate will be 5/10.
Thanks to Silver, hecertainly left an impact that somehow had helped me to have a better idea of how to deal with my romantic impulses, my impulses of attaching my own damn feelings towards a guy. I want to add some more information explaining the reason why I am feeling somewhat thankful for the experience. But it was too deep. And if l will compare it to the depths of Atlantic Ocean, it is incomparable. Because the ocean is way more deeper than my own sentiment.And I do not want to ruin my lighthearted approached that I used from the very beginning that I started to divulge my thoughts on writing this one. It will ruin my intention. And I do not want my scheme to fall into ruins.
Let us say nothing is set in stone, anything at any given moment has the capacity to go through a change. We can all went through changes- whether it will be such a tiny little bit of amendment or a massive one that can transform your life forever. It is still a change.
Right now- I might not like to share those deeper yet hidden reasons about the gritty petty sentimental thoughts that I have. I most likely to admit that- I am still not yet ready to tackle about every single one of those reasons I have kept mostly to myself. But- the further time passes. I might let it all out of my chest… Someday, somehow…. I will be able to reflect back to remember those experiences.
“What’s up with him, Sunny?” I asked my friend while eyeing Silver. I don’t want to assume anything but, I can feel something in my gut with what’s happening these last few weeks. A color coordination. The rainbow- all the colors of the rainbow was present. The 7 colors participated with the synchronicity. I have been putting things into deep introspection lately.
I have been analyzing this weird stuff that is been going around. I began to shake my head in disbelief. I still cannot believe that something- something is happening without my awareness.
“Why? You mean he is way more egotistical than last week?” Sunny asked.
I did not answer her. Egotistical. Well, he sure is full of ego. And he takes pride with that. I do not have a problem with his ego though. And I do not care if he is not planning in toning it down even just for a little bit. That is his life. He decides for himself. I mean- I do not even want to intervene with his way of approaching people and situations. Because for sure, he will not even consider any advice that can possibly step on his ego.
He does not like people who intervene with his business. Why did I even pay attention to this guy anyway? I mean- I used to not care about him and his whereabouts but he is been bothering my mind for weeks now. Or it was even months ago? I am not really sure.
His eyes went on us. As he whispered something on Jordan’s ear. That boy also looked at us and then smiled. That made me want to know the words he said because I kind of felt that it is somehow insulting. I am sure that was an insult. I do not need any proof. I mean- I heard a lot of insults from his mouths. It almost comes out naturally without him having to try that hard. The kind of teases that can really trigger the other person. Some of those- was not even intentionally given to the receiver. But most of it- he meant them. I remember how Jordan got pissed one time because of something he said and they got into a fight where they throw punches at each other, only to be back as friends after the fight. I can still recall how their anger turned into laughter after a few hours had passed before their punching incident.
From punching each other’s faces to putting their arms on each other’s shoulders. Was it really common for guys to act like that? It was cool to watch but at the same time it’s pretty weird. I do not seem to understand the narrative-nor to connect the dots about the incident.
“Let’s go back inside, Shinai. We have to get ready for the next subject.”
I was brought back from my over thinking when I heard Sunny’s voice. And I also didn’t notice that those boys already went inside the room and the only people left outside was just me who stares blankly on the large tree in front of us and Sunny whose gaze looked confused and worried because of the fact that her friend is slowly getting crazy.
“Okay.” I said almost in a whisper. But-I still want to sit on the tree trunk though…