“You’re right, I-I am jealous because she had his time with Mom everyday. While me, I only got to see her during evenings. And during evenings she will be too tired-and I couldn’t talk much about what I experienced in school, what made my day happy. Because she will be busy handling her after work life that she didn’t have enough time to at least have a talk with her daughter.” I took a paused. This is not good.
I looked at him again and started. “And- and even during moments where I received my awards and achievements she couldn’t even go here and place every medal I had on me, she always couldn’t make it.” Do I feel the need to voice it all out on her? Of course, no because I couldn’t.Because I am being petty.
“Those students on her school always had her full attention. And me I feel like I am left out here, feeling colder than even. I do not have anyone to share about the things I am bottling and battling inside” I was forcing myself to be independent because my parents couldn’t give their time to fit their kid to be a part of their schedule-to give me their time even just for bit. To give me their attention even just for a while.
“They said I am a good kid- looking like I don’t need much assistance from them where in fact I am needing the attention of my parental figures in life because I am still a kid.There, I said it. I overshared this and now you can use it all against me now, Sylvester.” I blurted angrily.
His face still looks cool. He sighed after hearing my words. For a kid’s perspective, I think we’re both acting too mature with this conversation.
“It’s valid. Your reasons are valid. Although there are some things that you need to consider. I am not here to invalidate your feelings, Nai.” His eyes never even budge to leave mine. “ But you know what- that’s not a great way to cope with your pain. If you are in pain, then acknowledge what’s hurting you. You can let yourself feel your emotions instead of bottling it all up only to end up exploding it all in the end. It’s not healthy. Because what if you’re in a situation where that emotional outbursts of yours aren’t suitable to be expressed?”
“You’re the one who started this. If you could just let it slip and if you leave me alone, none of these emotional outbursts, will be out in front of you.” What I am saying is a matter of fact. I got triggered by his interrogations that I started ranting about my innermost thoughts. I forgot that we were inside the classroom. I looked around. Nobody is inside, aside from us. His eyes left me and followed what I just did.
“Your facial expression says it all, Shinai. You are not good at hiding your emotions that much because it’s still brought to the surface. I talk to you because I am curious and, I want to know what you’re feeling because I care about you. Okay?”
After that conversation with him something in me had changed.
The reason? It’s still unknown. The guy that I didn’t even consider as a friend started to catch my attention. I started to observe him every single day that we are sitting inside the class, when we were in the school gym for our PE sessions, when he is laughing with Jordan and his friends, when he looked my way with that smile on his face, when his mouth stopped talking to look at me when I am near from his seat. There are so much more on the lists and the most Important things that I think is in need to be addressed it the fact that he will change shirts- wearing the colors that match the ones that I am wearing every Friday were students are allowed to wear their civilian clothes.
Flash-forward:
“It’s her birthday tomorrow.” I heard Jordan as I am about to sit in front of them.
“I know.” He answered.
“You are invited?” Jordan asked seriously.
“Yes.” Sylvester timidly stated.
“And what’s your plan? What are you going to give to her?”
Silver was about to say something but didn’t opened his mouth to answer. Instead, he looked around only to catch me behind them. He looked at me plainly and gestured Jordan to look behind him too which he immediately did. Now the two of them are looking at me without saying anything.
“You can continue what you two are talking about in the first place. I-I will go.” I didn’t look back and walk away from them. It’s a good thing. Something in me fluttered but I am convincing myself to not expect something from him. Expectations can sometimes be disappointing. So, it is best to keep things with some neutrality in me.
My birthday came and some of my classmates came. But he is not with them.
“Shall we begin your birthday celebration, Shinai?” My mom said.
“Uhm. Can we wait for a few more minutes, Mom? It’s still early. We can wait for some of the visitors.”
My mom nodded in response with a smile on her face. I smiled at her too hoping that she didn’t caught me and my dumb reason because all of the people who are invited are already here and the only one who is missing is him. She shrugged her head before going back to the kitchen.
A few more minutes had passed but he still didn’t arriveyet.
“Shinai, it is time to start baby. You cannot let them keep waiting. Time is clicking, kid.” My dad uttered.
“You are right, dad. We can start now.” I answered sadly.
He didn’t arrive but I had a great time celebrating my birthday. But it would’ve been much better if he’s also there to celebrate it with me.
“Can we talk?” I heard him say during our afternoon break time.
I didn’t look at him. Not because I’m mad, it’s because I’m upset that my expectation got ahead of me and messed my emotions.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to attend your birthday. Something came up. I needed to do follow my Mom’s order.”
I finally looked at him and pursed my lips in a thin line. “It’s okay. No biggies.”
Then it became the end of it. I stopped talking to him. I avoided getting close to him. I caught him looking at me always, but I acted like I didn’t care. It was safer that way. I didn’t want to get carried away with the feelings I have for him. That I decided to avoid it at all cost, even deep down I know it hurts me.
I admit- I like Silver. He was one of the very few people who know how to listen. Who pays attention- the person who cares to make space for me to be free in showing the side of me that is needing attention. And Silver had done it without any judgement.
Graduation came. Sylvester is standing in front of me with a big brown teddy bear, it is bigger than me. It has a red bow tie on its neck, its eyes enthralled me. I like it.
“For you, I bought it a week before your birthday. I didn’t have the chance to give this to you so I am taking the chance to give it to you now.”
I smiled at him and took the bear and carry it using my arms. It is just as big as the one that I have in my room although there’s difference in their colors.
He smiled at me before turning his back and he then started to walk away very slowly.
“Silver.” I muttered. “Thank you for this. And I am sorry for giving you the silent treatment up until this time. Although I am not really that silent because I still talked to you when you approached me but the way I treated you changed.” I explained the truth. My truth to him because I felt wrong, I felt guilty for pulling back.
Silver’s mouth formed a smile. His soft eyes landed on Nai softly. “Don’t worry, Shinai. You just did what you think is best for you. I never hated your decision, so don’t worry about what happened. And besides- we need a lot of growing up. Good luck with your next journey. We will be seeing each other around.”
He waved his hand before walking away…
It was such a bittersweet experience. Looking back at it I could not help myself but to be thankful. His qualities are one of a kind. If I will be comparing it from today’s modern men and guys. They were acting all cold- is a great trait to have.
Well-I am here to state this. Acting like you don’t care just to have some self-preservation and have that gratification within is not a good thing. Having no sympathy is unattractive- having empathy is. I hope his qualities evolved into something that is much better than it was back then.
Flash-Forward:
I smiled at my thought, knowing Sylvester I am sure the yesterday memory I had of him was something that shaped his character for the better. He did become better- exceeding the limits of my expectations of him…