Alan woke up from a bad night's sleep at 4:00 a.m.; if he'd slept two hours, it was a lot. He opened his eyes, startled to hear the jingling of keys, then remembered the night before and why he had slept so little, the son of one of his husband's whores had the nerve to stay out all night, and on the day of their wedding anniversary.
He stood up on his tiptoes and walked slowly towards the front door, leaning on the pillar between the living room and the kitchen, giving him a full view of the entrance to his house.
Alan saw the staggering Cauã enter, there was no denying that he had spent a night drinking and partying.
At that moment Alan found himself having to make a decision that would change his life completely. He couldn't stay in the situation he was in any longer.
He continued to stand there, watching what Cauã would do. Seeing that the son of a bitch had dismounted on the sofa, Alan went back into the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the fridge.
Cauã was tossing and turning on the sofa in a drunken sleep, he was still wearing the clothes he had left home in the day before, a black suit, a white dress shirt, the same with a cheap sweet perfume that made Alan crave it, and when he saw the lipstick marks all over his neck, the decision he hadn't yet made was truly made.
Alan watched in disbelief as the son of a good lady spent the night out enjoying life as if there was no tomorrow. He held the bottle in his hand so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
Taking courage he didn't know he had, he poured all the water from the bottle into his face, which caused Cauã to wake up startled, not understanding what was happening, staring in disbelief and not knowing why Alan had done it.
The look that Cauã casts in Alan's direction, like a puppy that has fallen from a chair, causes Alan anxiety and disgust, making him see what his then-husband is capable of doing. He can't stand it any longer and explodes.
- What do you think you're doing? - Alan asks, his voice changing, and he looks at him as if it's going to kill him - Ahh I feel like it, but I'd rather scream!!!
- Stop it, for God's sake, Love - he asked almost imploringly, and Alan's desire at that moment was to laugh at his face, which was almost begging him to stop talking loudly.
- WHAT? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU RIGHT, YOU KNOW, MAINLY THE PART THAT TOUCHES ME - He spoke even louder, but he didn't shout as much as he wanted to - WHICH MADE ME REMEMBER THAT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ME.
- Sleeping. Isn't it obvious? - He said with a certain trepidation.
- Now get up and get your things together, you bastard.
Cauã got up, not understanding anything that was going on, and to help him, his head was throbbing from the hangover, he looked like a slug in a human body.
- Come on, let's go, I haven't got all day, don't you think - Alan pauses, moistening his lips - This is for yesterday.
Cauã got up from the sofa, falling into his own night's sleep.
- Come on, my son, wake up - Alan says, losing patience with his son's slowness.
He turns to Alan and says.
- Why are you acting like this to me? - The brave man waits for the other to say something that doesn't occur and he continues: "I don't understand you, love.
- Don't ever call me love again." He raised his voice exponentially.
- But I don't understand.
- Do you want me to draw it? - He paused, waiting for an answer from the bastard in front of him. When there wasn't one, he continued - Since you don't want to take any shit, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE GOING TO DISAPPEAR FROM MY HOUSE AND MY LIFE NOW.
- What's gotten into you? - Cauã asks him, frowning, trying to remember what he could have done to have left Alan in that state.
- What's gotten into me? Well... Well... Well, the prince doesn't know what got into me. GUESS WHAT?
He looked at Alan, still not understanding.
"But he'll be that slow on Mars." He thought stressed and angry, the mixture of feelings Alan was feeling at that moment blurred his vision and blinded him with rage.
He couldn't understand how he'd managed to stay with him for so long, and was brought out of his thoughts by what he'd just said. - I didn't do anything, love - he couldn't believe the barbarity he'd just said.
- Just look at you - Alan said, going into the kitchen to put away the jug of water he was still holding. It was only at that moment that he realized he was holding it so tightly that his knuckles were whitish.
- What's wrong with me? - He asked, following him.
- You know what, I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't deserve it. When you leave, take advantage of it and forget about me - he said feigning indifference, and I think the son of a bitch ended up believing him, he was very sure and convinced of what he said.
- But love... - Cauã interrupted him.
- Nothing more and I'm not your love any more, I've already said that and apparently I never was - he said so angrily that he had to stop himself from flying at him.
- I don't understand anything that's going on - he says with a face that makes Alan feel repulsed and want to vomit, but what he does has more effect than a lot of scandal, he starts to laugh at that imbecile's face.
Cauã's face, drowsy, looking like someone who'd spent the night awake, his eyes red from drinking so much they turned the color of tomatoes, and anger showed in his expression.
Alan felt afraid there, he wasn't going to bow his head to anyone, especially not to a fucking man who didn't deserve it.
- You swear you don't know - he paused, waiting for him to say something, but the rest of his patience was gone, and he began to throw the truth in his face - You spent the night out cheating on me, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, you did it on our wedding anniversary, that's when the curtains that covered the truth came down, revealing the real you.
As soon as Alan had thrown up everything that had been stuck in his throat for long enough, even though it was only early in the morning, he felt that something was bothering him, but he didn't know what the source of his discomfort was, which consequently caused him a certain amount of pain. Alan felt that he could collapse at any moment, and he forced himself to hold on until at least Cauã left. He didn't want him to see him weakened, because he was sure that he would humiliate him, and he was already fed up with him, with his humiliations, jokes and belittling.
That morning there was a reason to get rid of a burden that tormented him and he was mistaken for thinking it was love, but it was actually comfort, an unhealthy situation in which Alan thought he was inferior.
There he knew for sure that Cauã, who was the inferior one and who had never valued him enough, was wrong to think he could change him, but he found out the hard way that people never change.
Cauã made him believe that he was worthless, that no one would want him except himself, but his arguments came true when he heard a distant voice. - Since you want me to leave, I'll go, but you'll be alone - He was so distracted that he hadn't realized that the indigent man had gone to the exit, and that he hadn't missed the opportunity to give his final pinprick, but he hadn't counted on it no longer getting to him. He paused, then took courage and said:
- I'm not alone.
- So are you going to call whoever kicked you out? - The bastard asked me.
- No, I don't need them, I've got friends who are everything to me - He rebuts and hears her laugh.
- "Nobody cares about you, you're nothing and you never will be." As soon as he finishes throwing his curse Alan feels weakened, but then realizes that in fact everything he's said all these years has been about him, not Alan.
- "No," he says firmly.
- No what? - Cauã asks.
- Everything you say is a lie, at least to a certain extent - Alan says, pausing, taking a deep breath to find the courage to continue - You always say that I'm alone, that I have no one, but the truth is that you have nothing, that no one cares what a scumbag son of a bitch you are, now I see it and you can't change that, so get out of my house and out of my life.
It was at this moment that Alan saw his "perfect" world collapse in front of him. During the four years he had never thought he would experience this moment, the loneliness that took over his being made him collapse right there on the floor in the middle of the coffee table and the sofa, the tears flowed abundantly, even though Alan didn't want to, he didn't understand why he was crying.
He was suffering, it hurt so much that he couldn't name the pain he was feeling. A per-tinent question came to mind.
"Was I suffering for someone who didn't fucking deserve it?" Even though he tried futilely to stop the tears, he didn't succeed, they kept falling as if they were meant to fall.