It was raining, and the clouds were shining in gray. The squelching sound of my footsteps collided with the rain's pattering droplets as I looked down the road, feeling unsure. While I held my backpack as striking my way home, the rain showers kept slipping on my skin. I didn't bring an umbrella, but I wasn't worried about my health. I am used to bathing myself in the rain.
I was going home this time from school. The atmosphere was dead in there. It doesn't feel like a learning environment.
The classrooms were small. The students were little, and the environment was far from being innovative.
The road became narrower as the distance from the house went nearer, and the only thing that entertained my sight was the trees at both sides. These were following the direction of the heavy rain with the ranging wind.
And for one more time, this calm and peaceful feeling brought by the scenery gave me the thought of remembering my life with Sarah again.
-
My mom was busy handling her sandwich business at that time, and only the three of us left in the house since our father went to his new woman. At this time, it was dawn, and because of the eagerness to earn money for a living, she accepts orders at late three in the morning.
When the moment came where she cannot handle the tasks anymore, she woke me up and gave me an instruction to keep an eye on Sarah because Sarah woke up too early and might be doing something that isn't acceptable to our eyes.
"Sophia! Wake up! I am going to deliver the order to our neighborhood a few meters away. So, keep an eye on your sister." She commanded while preparing the sandwiches on the basket. I wasn't able to wake up immediately at this time. I slept at past midnight because of the sudden homework issue that our professor gave to me. The paper was blank, and there was no single trace of ball ink can be found. My classmate called me with the same problem, and we both find ways to contact our professor for an extension since the deadline was in the morning.
Also, I worked on my first job in the evening, and I felt exhausted after focusing my attention on the screen for about five hours straight.
"Sophia, wake up!" At this time, her voice became louder. For this reason, I woke up like a dead person who wanted to sleep one more time. My head was heavy. It felt like the neuron clashed with each other.
I tried my best to stay awake as I sat beside my sister. But, it was my bad day when I found myself sleeping on the couch with my sister sitting at my foot. I didn't notice that I fell asleep, even though I tried to stay awake.
When I woke up, I was startled when my sister was no longer sitting in front of me! With a terrified soul, I searched her all around until I found her in the kitchen, doing stuff that will surely make our mom angry.
I was half unconscious at that time as I grabbed her pulse back to the room. I forced Sarah to lay down beside me and sleep. It was just four in the morning. After what I did to her, I hugged her from the back so that she can't escape. Then, my eyes closed by themselves.
-
I looked above the skies and laughed in pain because what happened next triggered my thoughts to end my life as soon as possible.
-
A few moments later, my mom came with an angry face. She woke me up, and I stood up, tired. My sister quickly got off the sofa and went to bed instead. She was jumping there.
"I told you to keep an eye on your sister! What happened right now?!" She shouted in front of me while pointing the direction towards the kitchen. I felt dizzy as I went down to see the things that my sister did.
I was surprised when the two bottles of water went empty. The sponge used for washing the plates disappeared, and both the table and floor were wet. This is what I am talking to. Not again!
I was about to explain my side when mom continuously scolded me. "You f*cking sh*t! My instruction was too simple damn sh*t! I didn't even bother to wake you up to deliver the sandwiches because I was thinking of you being tired, and now you didn't perform the responsibility I gave to you well?!" She cussed as she pointed a finger at me. Her eyes were like eating me to die.
I was shivering in the heaviness of my heart as I saw her reaction.
"You are already eighteen years old, and adult motherf*cker!" She once again scolded. At this time, I felt my heart became heavier. This was the reason why I didn't give a damn to celebrate my birthday, because the older I get, the higher the chances of my mother saying unnecessary things about me. And now that I am eighteen, I felt like I need to be more perfect.
I wanted to scream and tell her to listen to me, but I couldn't. She kept telling me those hurtful words that made me feel empty as her daughter. Sometimes, I felt like she wasn't my mother. Knowing how my mother's friends treated them, I felt jealous. To be honest, I haven't heard my mother being open to me. I knew I did wrong, but her words were not encouraging me to do better next time.
I can spill out the words I wanted to say most sincerely because no matter how much I explained my side, she was thinking I go against her and I am disrespecting her motherhood. I admitted that I failed to look out for Sarah, it was just that, I wish she didn't say those painful words. Ever since I was a child, she thought that what she was doing will make me a good person in her eyes, but actually, it doesn't.
I wanted to tell her to speak openly and calmly that we could have a better conversation as a family, but I can't. She viewed me as the one who commits mistakes all the time. She saw me as a daughter who isn't capable of doing right. To things, I have done perfectly, and accurately to her will, may you rest in peace. You aren't recognized.
She grabbed me outside and told me to look for the sponge. She threatened that if I failed to bring home the sponge, she will kill me. I moved in disappointment as she threw the knife in front of me. Luckily, I was vigilant to avoid it. She also let Sarah go with me to look for that sponge.
When we walked away from the house, I cried in silence. It doesn't give any sound. My tears were falling without anyone noticing it. I held the hand of my sister and asked her more than ten times where she threw the sponge. She just stared at me, laughing. I knew she doesn't understand me, but I was hoping for a miracle at that time that she can help me.
We looked around the backyard where I can see the kitchen window opened. Hoping for the sponge to be found, I seek every corner of the grasses and small growing trees while holding my sister.
When l couldn't find the sponge, my heart was beating fast. I didn't know what to do, and the last thing that I thought would solve the problem was to kill myself instead. But, I couldn't since some of our neighbors were awake.
I felt empty as I went back home with my sister. My mom immediately asked for the sponge, and when I shook my head in nervousness, she snapped.
"Go out! Don't come back if you haven't find the sponge! You are such a bad luck f*ucking sh*t!" Her voice echoed around this small town, and a few of our neighbors watched us.
As she wished, I walked away with my sister and looked for a spot where I could pour down my emotions.
I found an old house with no owner. The walls were already cracked, and it was molded with growing plants and branches. I strike my way towards it and sat on the creepy stairs. As I sat down, my tears began to fall again. I wanted to scream, but I cannot. The only thing I heard was the noise of the flying insects. With my sister sitting beside me, I didn't glance at her. I just cried my whole heart out.
Useless daughter, worthless sister, irresponsible eighteen-year-old feeling rich. These are the words that my mother used to call me especially when she is angry. Yes, she is calling me feeling wealthy because she's considering herself as our nanny just because she washes our clothes and prepares our food. Where those things are the ones part of her responsibility as a mother? Why is she talking things like that? Besides, I didn't wish to be born. It was her who made her decision to make a family, which, unfortunately, she can't take care of me in my psychological needs.
I felt down and wanted to stop dreaming.
She knew that I am doing things that would make a profit one day, but the thing is, she want it instant. That is the reason she kept telling me that I cannot make money for the family and sustain our needs including hers, even though I was still thirteen years old back then.
The painful part was, I wanted to scream a fury, but my mouth was brought no words, and tears kept falling in silence.
Throughout my life ever since I was younger, I never knew the exact feeling of having a mother. She sent me to school, and provide my needs. That's it.
-
When I found myself standing near the house, my thoughts went back to the present. I wiped the tears that fell beside my eyes while cheering myself up.
I raised my chin up and exhaled air. I did my best to smile and become positive this time. I was totally wet and I badly need to change.
That memory of mine was unforgettable.