𝗔𝘁 𝘀𝗶𝘅𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻, 𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲.
My first relationship only lasted for eight months. It was a heck of a ride. We fought, we cried. We laugh. We fall apart. I still think about him to this day. Freddie was the boy who taught me that I needed to trust the one I loved. He made me realise that doubting would not do me any good. He made me experience love for the first time. He cares for me like no other would. He was there for me, but I was gone when he needed me the most.
I still hate myself to this day for that.
I cannot bring myself to love again. I do not want to feel pain. I cannot bring myself to "trust". I was so sure that I did not want to fall in love again, until I met him. He was in a different class for the whole two years, which is why I never saw him around. I cannot help but stare at him. He was so beautiful. So charming. It was the first time I had fallen for someone. It was my first time meeting him. We will be classmates for two years. until our senior year.
Ryan McLaren was tall.
His height makes him stand out among the others. He often plays basketball with his friends at the end of the school hour. He looks so cute when he smiles. I was surprised at myself when I started to notice little things about him. Our first encounter was awkward. I was super embarrassed when he stood next to me, leaving me frozen to my feet. I cannot utter a single word. It was like I was bewitched by him. His voice sounds so nice. I wanted to know more about him.
"𝗛𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵. 𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺?"
My friend often asks me this. I wondered about this too... since I used to date someone who was very talkative. I was curious as to why I began to fall for Ryan. He was the opposite of Freddie. I never really got the chance to talk to him. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I was okay to like him from a distance, is what I thought. Until that one day, my feelings for him were discovered by the others.
"𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘂𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗥𝘆𝗮𝗻? 𝗜 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗹𝗲."
The boys in my class teased. I was shocked when they said this. I was relieved at the same time that Ryan is not in the class right now. I will not be able to hide my face if he is also here. This is too much. I decided to ignore their teasing. I was embarrassed indeed. There were days when I caught him staring at me. like staring into my soul.
I was curious. Did he know that I liked him?
When we locked eyes, he did not even turn his gaze away. He just sat there, staring at me with amusement in his eyes. That made me embarrassed, so badly. Sometimes, he was staring at me. Why the heck is he doing that? There were days when he smiled at me. Like, actually smile at me. He is seriously driving me insane.
"𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝗺?"
I hear this every time. I wondered to myself, why hadn't I confessed to him? It is just too much. I do not think I am ready for rejection. He makes me happy despite not being mine. I do not know if that makes sense, the first time he said my name. I was dumfounded. I'm so happy that I can't keep the smile from forming on my lips.He cannot pronounce the letter "r". It was so cute when he said my name. I wanted to tease him so badly. He was blushing when he said it. I wonder if he is embarrassed that he cannot pronounce the letter r, or if he is just embarrassed since it is... me?
I don't know.
We were in the same group for the English literature class. He was the group leader, and I was his assistant. Seeing him asking for help with glances is so cute. I could not help but smile throughout the presentation. The boys in my class noticed that too... Their teasing is so embarrassing, oh my god. Ryan sat next to me when we were in a discussion. I just hate myself right now for being embarrassed.I do not know what to say. It is like the words in my head disappeared when I saw his face. I noticed he was smiling, but it wasn't for me.
Cindy.
He was smiling and talking to her. She sat in front of us. Unfortunately, she was also in the same group as Ryan and me. I admire her for how confident she is. She looks so beautiful. She also knows about my feelings for him. I seriously cannot believe how almost everyone in my class knows about it but not him.
I feel like I do not belong there.
The words in my head are not coming out. I cannot try even if I wanted to. So, I decided to leave them, going back to my seat. I just want this day to be over. I hated myself for being jealous. I do not deserve to feel like this.