A lot has happened throughout the year. And surprisingly, I am still in love with the same boy. I do not understand how I could stay for so long. Heck, I am confused with myself about how loyal I am to someone who is not even mine. I am so tired of unrequited love. I felt like I needed to get these feelings out of my chest. I need to let him know.
My feelings for him.
We barely talk, although we are in the same class, exchanging glances once or twice. I am so confused. Does he like me or not? It was around December when my stupidity got the better of me. I was watching an anime called "I've Always Liked You" and watching it gave me the courage to confess. I was delusional to think that my situation was the same. Thinking about it again, I was so embarrassed. I got his number from a friend, and I was really nervous about texting him. I do not know what to say. This is a first for me, to be so nervous. Feeling like this is troubling me. I was scared that I might get rejected. I do not know how to deal with it if he really did reject me.
Rejection hurts, and I do not want to experience it. Although I do not really know how it feels yet, I just assumed it would hurt since most of the people that I know that got rejected seem broken. I decided to text him since it was Christmas Eve.
"𝗪𝗵𝗼'𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀?"
Somehow, relief washed over me. He does not know me. My fingers are shaking as I type the words that I want to say to him. I do not know how to say it or even type it in words. I cannot explain how I feel towards him. It is nerve-wracking.
"𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
That was the first sentence that I sent. At first, he thought it was a joke and decided to ignore my message. His reply was only a laughing emoji. I was confused. His reply makes me dumbfounded. I was so nervous I could not even find the right words to say to him, and yet, he just laughed at my confession. Wow. I decided to tell him who I was, and that took him forever to reply. I was nervous as heck 
"𝗪𝗼𝘄, 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
I was embarrassed when he replied. What does he mean by that? What am I supposed to say next? I am completely flabbergasted. I honestly have no idea how to ask someone to be my boyfriend... how did people do it? Do I just ask him now or what? I do not understand how this works. I wanted to be together with him. He was the first person to ever make me feel happy just by seeing him smile. I cannot actually describe it, but I was happy to see him smiling. To be honest, I had countless dreams of us being together in the future.
I saw my future in his eyes.
I sounded so creepy. I hate myself. But unfortunately, he does not feel the same way.
I don't know.
Although I cannot bring myself to ask him to be mine in any way whatsoever, I get the feeling that he does not like me "that way", since if he did, he would absolutely say that he likes me too. My world started tearing apart again when I came to realise all this. Somehow, all this time. It was all just a "friendly gesture." Although it hurts, so badly. I wanted to cry, but I feel more pathetic when I do. Truthfully, he was the first boy I ever fell in love with. It was beautiful at first, waiting and watching from afar. I thought that I could do it. But it seems like I have my limits too.
I wished to forget about him. He was indeed a beautiful memory, but I could not bring myself to move forward if I stayed. I needed to forget about my feelings for him. The one he never cared about...
I am willing to try and forget.
He is not my first love, but it still hurts so much. Thinking about it again, I cannot believe how loyal I am to him. Although he never really cared in the first place. It is weird because sometimes I feel like he did. But then the next day, he acts as if nothing really matters to him. I wanted to ask him, to understand him, but it seems like I am not the one to do that.
He makes me want to become a better version of myself.
At first, he made me feel insecure. But he also makes me want to do better. I wanted him to notice me. I did everything, to get his attention. I went from being the worst in math to getting a B on the test. I did all that to get his attention. But it was all just a beautiful nightmare. The only memory of us left is that one photograph. It was hard for me to even ask him for one, but looking back at the photo again brings back memories.
It was my first time, crushing. I fell in love with someone first and ended up being completely rejected. Having a crush on someone is really hard. Ryan McLaren was the first boy who stole my heart, and he made me realise that loving someone does not mean you have to be with them.
"𝗜 𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗱."