Have you ever felt this feeling of loneliness, empty void, guilt, and regrets? I felt that after Chris departed from the hostel.
It has been three weeks but it feels like yesterday. I felt a surge of loneliness and regrets knowing I was the main reason why the attraction cycle happened to him. If he had not been attracted to me, things would have been better.
Most of the time, I wish I was the only one being affected. I wish I was the only one being attracted to the same sexes and not the other way round. It feels like I am suffocating and the person I can rely on has left to figure out about himself.
I think that is the best decision from his point of view. I never tried to visit his department, as per the promise I gave to him. To never try to see him, or contact him. To him, he needs time to heal and stop the weird feeling haunting him.
Joy, who would have been on my neck about Chris later informed me that Christopher informed her that he is staying with one of his relatives. I can finally breathe as Chris was able to convince Joy for the time being. I never can tell when Chris will be back. It all depends on him.
"I am so bored", I hissed, getting up as I turned on an Mp4 and selected some songs to listen to. I need to dance and shake my thoughts off. Chris won't be happy if I continue to be sober.
Putting on a short which exposed my hairy thighs and legs, and underwear which did justice to my scrawny figure, more like that of a girl. I kept swaying to the beats, moving my body just as I felt the need to move my body.
Nobody by Joeboy was that song that kept me as I danced to the rhythm. Each verse of the song making me push my whole body for the song. I continued playing different songs with the Mp4 speaker making sure the volume is not loud to disturb the neighbors.
Breathing out, I turned off the music as I collapsed on the bed, completely worn out but feeling better. Beads of sweat on my whole body as the imagination of how I danced crept to my head. I was not a good dancer but I can still say I am still an Amateur in it.
I felt a creaking sound of the door making me stand up as I saw Joseph in his handsome self. A smirk curled up in the corner of his lips, as his gaze was on me. My eyes flickered, as I hit reality that I hardly have enough clothes on, just a singlet and a short.
He is just a boy like you. Try to act like how a boy will behave in this scenario", I could feel my inner mind telling me as I picked the face towel on the bed cleaning the beads of sweat on my face and neck.
" What's up Joseph?" I asked, trying to sound firm in my words even though I could feel his eyes on my body.
"I'm cool and just seeing you just makes that better", he said, closing the door.
I sneered as I made my way towards the wardrobe but was pulled by the strong hand of Joseph making out body meet. His right hand holding my waist, pulling us closer as the smell of his cologne filled my nostril.
His face looks more gorgeous, more like that of Ethan", my mind ran wide making me almost cringe at my thoughts.
Using my last self-control in me, I pulled away from him as I turned abruptly making my way to the wardrobe as I put on a shirt.
I could feel the surprised look on his face. Maybe his charms might have worn out", he might have thought but that is not the truth. I have feelings for Joseph and I cannot make it obvious. The last thing I have to do is to make sure Joseph stays far away from me. I need to make sure he does not get attracted to me.
" Are you not making any peanuts today?", he finally voiced out making me turn in his direction.
"Nope. The test is coming up soon and I think I need a break from customers wahala(trouble)", I said as we both shared a laugh.
" You are so right. Tell me about it", he said, sitting on the bed.
"I once got a call to make 500 pieces of peanuts within 5 hours. According to the person who called on Friday noon, he needed it for a wedding which would hold the next day, but he would like me to provide it latest by six pm that Same day", I explained, trying not to remember how cocky the man sounded.
" Like seriously? You can only make 100-200 pieces at that time with at least 2-3 people helping you", Joseph stated as I nodded.
"He even decided to double the pay but I was not interested. I told him I could make at most 100 pieces, but he never agreed. Apart from the fact that I was tired that day, I never wanted to accept the offer", I explained, resting on the wardrobe.
" You made the best decision. What if you accepted it and due to your tired nature, you did not make it well. People who saw and ate your peanuts would not patronize you. The person who requested the peanuts might request for you to pay back his money. You get?"Joseph clarified and I reasoned with his words.
That is true. I never even thought of that angle, as I primarily rejected the offer based on the time frame and my being tired.
"I grab. I am glad I never accepted it. My next plan is to make sure I teach some selected students too. I have made enough money out of it", I said.
" I still think you should put your words into action in the next year or two to grasp more knowledge no knowledge in the field", Joseph commented.
"Roger that, I will put that in mind", I said, sparing him a glance before moving to the other side of the bed.
"My cousin asked of you?", Joseph said as I shuddered inwardly, even tho I was backing him.
" He is afraid of collecting your number, so he requested that you called him. I know that sounds stupid but I think Ethan has high regard for you. On my behalf of me, can you give him a call?" he asked as he stretched a paper with his number which I accepted as I kept it in one of my journals.
"I will try to give him a call", I responded as he smiled
I feel my heartbeat every time I see Joseph. Ethan is my past now, who seems to have been a player having fun in breaking the opposite sex's heart. I have to make sure what happens to Chris never happens to Joseph or anybody else.

I moved closer to Joseph, maintaining a little distance between us as I made to inform him of one of my decisions.
" Joseph, I would like to stop tutoring you for now. The workload at school is killing me, and I hope you understand", I said trying to avoid his eyes, even though I can feel a hint of disappointment on his face.
He has been a fast learner so far, but I have to make this decision to reduce our closeness. I am attracted to him but I don't want him to be attracted to me.
"Hey, you are joking, right? Did I offend you?" he asked, placing his hand on mine as I looked at him with a leaping heart.

I wish I could tell him it was for the benefit of both of us.
"No, you did not offend me. I just think we should take a break from the learning and tutoring thing for like two weeks. I think you should stick to your reading for now", I explained, patting his shoulder.
" Whatever your selfish reasons are, thanks for leaving me in the junction to continue my struggling learning", he said angrily, removing my hands from his body, before heading for the door.
Why is he this angry? I just hope I made the right decision.
****
A week has passed since my announcement to Joseph which at first he took as a joke, but after being stern with him, he started mingling with his friends. He stopped talking to me as well as disturbing me.
I always feel like being hit whenever I see his handsome self every day, especially during lectures when we see each other as strangers. I should not be hurt right? But I have agreed to take the burden. I can't allow the same thing to keep happening.
It was one of those days when I saw him laughing with his friends, his eyes showing excitement as his lips exposing a burst of happiness and smiles.
I kept looking at him as a second thought came to my mind. I can't seem to control it. I have to talk to him, "I thought.
Taking up the final courage in me, I started making my way towards him. I need to talk to him.